


Form 873-A5 (For unusual death(s) of personnel, to be attached to form 339-I 'daily incident report' as filed by I. Jones, office manager)

by Arnica



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Comment Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 21:31:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/691664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnica/pseuds/Arnica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things they require paperwork in Torchwood are ridiculous and Ianto's pretty sure this form was designed with Jack in mind(the place where it asks him how long the agent was dead is his biggest clue). He wonders if anyone else has trouble being professional when filling it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Form 873-A5 (For unusual death(s) of personnel, to be attached to form 339-I 'daily incident report' as filed by I. Jones, office manager)

_21st May:_

Thrown onto train tracks. Trains shut down for night but was electrocuted. Knocked loose with long stick. 5 mins between death and resurrection. Came back with hair sticking straight up and a nasty case of static electricity. Spent the rest of the night sneaking up on people and shocking them on the ear.

  
_29th May_   


Tossed into ocean while providing distraction. Body found washed ashore two miles down beach. C.o.D assumed drowning. Held upside down between self and Owen while Tosh banged on his back to empty his lungs. Twenty minutes to resurrection. Side note, my shoes were not salvageable. See attached expense report for replacement receipt

  
_17th July_   


Frozen. Bloody well frozen solid like a damn cartoon character by a kid with some rift trash who thought he was now a superhero. Retcon administered to traumatized seven year old. Spent six and a half hours in a wet suit manhandling Jack in and out of the hydrotherapy tubs down on sub level seven while he thawed. Awkward side note, it takes at least three hours in 45 degree water to be able to unfreeze an arsehole enough get a thermometer in there. I leave it to future generations of Torchwood to decide how literal I'm being in my use of the word. Six and a half hours thawing, followed by four hours with thermal blankets and body heat for a grand total of ten and a half hours until resurrection. Avoid deep freezes if at all possible.

  
_29th July **SEALED F.E.O CPT J. HARKNESS**_   


Died of smoke inhalation. Newest patient at Flat Holm woke up today and was pyrokinetic. Set fire to the quarantine wing, apparently by accident. Jack rescued two other patients before succumbing, was pulled barely alive from room by nursing staff in SCBA with extinguishers. Fire starter did not survive. Helen protested strongly when I demanded Jack be moved directly to the Sea Queen instead of the hospital wing. I may not be her favorite anymore. Jack died of internal burns and oxygen deprivation halfway across the water. Took him back to my place and laid him out on the couch since I couldn't take him to the Hub without explaining how and where he died. Four hours from ToD to resurrection. Had to throw out the couch after. My sister said she couldn't smell it, but I couldn't get the smell of smoke out. See attached expense report for replacement receipt

  
_9th August_   


  
~~Shoved off building. Death by falls apparently vary depending on amount of internal injuries received, height fallen from, and actual CoD. Seven stories, ruptured organs, brain reduced to consistency of unset jelly and I'm not drunk enough for this. Is it weird that he heals from falls and things like that faster than from other things because I think it's well weird but who cares what I think~~    
EDIT: Jack was thrown from a seven story building in pursuit of dangerous life forms. Forty minutes from death to resurrection.

_19th August_  
It wasn't even an alien. We got mugged on our way back from dinner. We got mugged on my birthday and we left our bloody guns at home because dinner was swank and we were off duty and sometimes we have a bad habit of getting drunk and wanting to shoot cans off the pier pilings into the water. Handed over our wallets, phones, and jewelry before one of them demanded his wrist strap. He refused and they shot him. They shot him in the head, yanked it off his arm and he's not waking up. We shot him in the head and he was up in ten minutes but it's been an hour and he's still laid out on the gurney with a sheet over him and it's still caved in not quite right on the other side and I don't know what to do. I hate my birthday. I'm staying in next year with the doors locked and the shades drawn. There's fifteen minutes left in the day and I'm writing this with one hand and not paying attention to it because I keep looking at the clock thinking it might mean something if he wakes up before midnight and refusing to let myself think that if he won't come back before midnight then he won't come back at all. Again, I'm not drunk enough to handle this I wish I hadn  
 **EDIT; Cpt. J. Harkness was shot in the head resisting a civilian assault. I'm fine now. As of 20th August, form 873-A5 is being retired. All observed deaths of Torchwood personnel will be consolidated into the log of the attending medical officer due to undue mental stress on attending non medical personnel. For a through and accurate listing of wait times for resurrection request secure archives 1875-1901, experiment H conducted by Torchwood agent 102 A. Guppy. You won't get them though. Just be patient kids, I always come back.**  



End file.
